By Canaan Freeman and Nick Casarez| Sports writers
It’s a normal Friday night, you’re going out with your friends headed to the movie theatre, just wanting to see Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II and then, it happens. While walking up to go get your tickets, you all of the sudden realize you’ve been surrounded by tools! Everywhere you look there are people everywhere violating every single aspect of the unspoken dress code that exists among human beings. It can be a traumatizing experience yes, and while there may be no known cure with today’s technology there are ways for you to avoid isolated incidents with the modern day untouchables. You must see the signs.
Sperry’s and Socks: The biggest wardrobe no-no today is a product of the resurgence of Sperry’s from their 80’s glory. The problem is too many people are getting them, and far too many of them think it’s cool to wear them with Nike socks. Not little ankle socks that barely show, we’re talking full on calf-high black white and even colored socks. Now this is NOT okay and we suggest you flee the premises immediately.
Hollister, American Eagle, and the like: Now guys, we all owned half a closet worth of some type of Hollister, American Eagle or maybe Aeropostale- so we’ve been there. The important thing is you’ve learned the error of your ways. Those who have not are a danger to society. Their shirts, tighter than spandex, threaten to plague us all with images of premature muscles or, more commonly, the all thereof and that’s something one does not unsee.
Puka Shell Necklace: if you’ve ever violated any of the previous faux pas, chances are you have a puka shell necklace, or at least did have one. You need to burn it now. For some reason people just want to have them and it must be stopped. We live in San Antonio, Texas, where the largest body of water is our beloved murky San Antonio River. THERE ARE NO SURFERS HERE. So take off the puka shells and realize that it’s not worth the embarrassment of when you pull out the old school pictures and see yourself with a silly looking white halo around your neck.
Hurley, Affliction, and tight jeans: As a tool ages, his style ages with him. Eventually they move on to all new stages of ‘tool’ness. They begin to wear Hurley, who has never sold a non-tool shirt. Or maybe Affliction, which I think is properly named seeing as Merriam-Webster defines the word as persistent pain or great suffering, which is what I go through when I see their attire. But if it weren’t bad enough, these tooly brands’ companion are none other than super tight jeans. Jeans can be uncomfortable as is, so why guys decided to take it a step further and cut off all circulation to their legs is beyond me. If you ask me the biggest circulation cut off has to be the one in their brain because they’re not in their right mind.
So there you are, we’ve given you the signs, but now it’s up to you to utilize them and go out into the real world; duck dive dip dodge and dive away from tools and their obscene dress.
