The Student News Site of Claudia Taylor Johnson High School

My Jag News

The Student News Site of Claudia Taylor Johnson High School

My Jag News

The Student News Site of Claudia Taylor Johnson High School

My Jag News

The future of cauliflower


There I was, participating in this game one calls capitalism, standing around as if looking for something which was clearly, visibly, in front of me. Duped like a cat chasing a laser beam, at this point in time I knew I had to buy it. The duality of man, I’ve preached about it my whole life… self control, why did it decide to disappear during my darkest time? I couldn’t understand what made time seem so uncomprehending. I grabbed it and ran. Before I knew it I arrived home. But like stolen bread, It turned to gravel in the mouth. 

I was at the store the other day when I came across this strange hyperactive phenomenon known as cauliflower food; since eating healthy is a necessity in our society, I decided to give it a try. The box label read, Buffalo Chicken Wing flavored, therefore it’s safe to say that no one, in their right mind, would ever turn that down. 

After I deliberately bought the chicken wings, I drove home wondering why I bought cauliflower drowned in hot sauce. While on the road home, my mind decided to start cracking up the old bolts, which in turn caused me to experience an epiphany. I had a supernatural realization which allowed me to understand that I acted on pure idiocracy when I purchased this item. 

In the end I arrived home and turned the oven on, since these stupid things couldn’t cook in the microwave. After doing so finally I decided to watch Animal House: I figured I’d make a night out of this. 10 minutes into the film, the oven started screaming at me. Naturally I ran to see what it wanted, dejectedly all it communicated was that it was hot enough to cook my food. I then proceeded to make the honorary sacrifice, and tossed the frozen cauliflower in the oven. I would also like to point out that yes, I was literally just cooking frozen cauliflower in the oven. 

About half an hour later, the oven decided my offering was no longer worthy of its hot, burning, sensation; therefore, in layman’s terms, the cauliflower was ready. I took it out and prepared it like some boxed macaroni and cheese. What I mean is, I put it in a bowl, threw in the buffalo sauce packet, and mixed the bowl until the white of the cauliflower could no longer be seen. 

After I penetrated the red marshmallow with my fork, I threw that noun in my mouth. It, as I expected, was a spicy soft flimsy cold squishy bland blob of something that looked like a piece of orange chicken. In the end, it needed salt.

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  • A

    Ava c.Apr 9, 2021 at 2:23 pm

    I love cauliflower! I eat it roasted all the time and it is delicious!

  • Z

    ZeeyaApr 9, 2021 at 11:33 am

    I think I’m going to give cauliflower food a try! I heard putting cauliflower rice in your oatmeal is a good way to get some nutrients in without compromising flavor.

    side note: the way you write kept my eyes glued to the screen :0

  • H

    HaileyApr 9, 2021 at 10:47 am

    One of my new found favorite foods is cauliflower rice and I believe cauliflower truly is the future in healthy eating.

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The future of cauliflower